Aren’t these kids adorable?  I mean, look at those eyes!  I love it.

They’ve got good genes. 

I love photography!  Life is good.

Communication can be difficult when it’s cross-cultural, cross-gender, or even cross-status. 

But right now I just want to talk about direct and indirect communication.  Or as most women would say, “I don’t want you to fix it!” and as most men say, “Why didn’t you tell me what you wanted?”

In some cultures, men use ambiguous language and women are clear.  For most Americans, it is the opposite.  A man says, “I’ll have a sandwich.”  A woman says, “Oh, I don’t know.  What would you like?  I’m not very good at choosing.  Um, maybe I’ll have a sandwich.”  Both want a sandwich.  The man is using direct language and the woman is using indirect.  Ironically, this is also a power display.  The man shows that he doesn’t need to jockey for position to know what he wants, and he expects that his wife has equal status. He is confused when she professes indecision and he knows that she really has an opinion. The woman wants to preserve rapport and status by showing respect.  The ultimate cultural example of indirect communication is Japanese hospitality.

Let’s use an example.  A woman has to plan a child’s birthday party.  She tells her siblings about it with this phrase: “Gosh, I’m not very good at kids’ parties.  Would you all help me decide what to do?”  There is a quick and lively discussion.  One sister prefers things to be simple.  Another wants more variety.  One of the brothers doesn’t care, but thinks a good party involves ice cream.  “Kids like ice cream,” he says.  Another brother says, “Ice cream is messy with little kids.  How about popsicles?”  Everyone else agrees and the ice cream brother shrugs and says, “Sounds all right to me.”

If the family uses indirectness in communicating, the person who asked for opinions would be expressing solidarity.  The woman is saying, “I’m not better than any of you and I want to show you I think well of you.  I am being nice by asking for your opinion, but we both know I can plan this and that I reserve the right to do what I want.”  The sister who says, “Keep it simple,” neglects to profess her own ignorance or incapability, and the others see her as bossy and rude for being so direct.  The sister who thinks it should have more variety may be seen as also bossy, but may also been seen as sticking up for the party planner by saying, “What makes you think your idea is so great?  I’m going to counter you just to return power to the first sister.”  The brother who wants ice cream is oblivious to conflict, and sincerely wants the ice cream.  The one who says, “No, let’s do popsicles,” is also being rude.  He isn’t considering the desire for ice cream, but showing one-upmanship by revising it to popsicles.  The siblings all side against the ice cream brother, who gives up, feeling disgruntled and resentful.  He’ll be a martyr if necessary, to keep the peace.  But he really wants ice cream.

The big loser in this scenario is the first woman, the party planner who expected the others to respond with solidarity statements such as, “Oh, I’m not good at that either.  You always do such a great job.  What do you think?  What do you want to do?  You’re in charge – this is your party.”  Any contrasting ideas should be given very subtly and indirectly.  “Do you think that the kids would like ice cream?  I’m not sure what kids like, myself.  What do you think?”  Otherwise, the remarks are offensive. [The “Kids like ice cream” statement translates to: “You obviously don’t know how to run this party.  Let me tell you what to do.”] This whole exchange smacks of power plays, and in analyzing it this way, we draw the obvious conclusion that these siblings don’t get along very well and also don’t like the party planner.

If everyone understands the system, they work within its constraints and misunderstanding is avoided.  But let’s analyze this from a direct point of view.

A woman has to plan a child’s birthday party.  She tells her siblings about it.  “Oh, gosh, I’m not very good at kids’ parties.  Would you help me decide what to do?”  This woman is saying exactly what she means.  She expects opinions and advice.  A quick and lively discussion follows.  A sister responds by saying, “Keep it simple.”  She takes the first woman’s statement at face value, in essence saying, “I respect you enough to believe you when you make a statement.”  She understands that the first woman doesn’t want a complicated event and suggests that keeping it simple with reduce stress.  She is offering supportive help and showing her belief that the party planner is capable of pulling this off without a crisis.  The sister who says, “Yes, but kids’ parties need some variety,” may be agreeing with the idea of keeping it simple, but she is also taking the party planner at face value.  She believes the party planner is asking for advice and ideas and proposes that kids’ need a variety of activities to keep their attention.  The party planner sees the brother who proposes ice cream as offering a great reminder.  “Ice cream!  Right!” she says.   This party really isn’t so bad with everybody helping.  The last brother sees a potential pitfall with the messy ice cream and offers an equally delicious and cold, but less messy alternative.  Everyone agrees, “Oh, yes, popsicles make less mess.”  Since the original goal was to offer ideas quickly for a stress-free party, their work is done.  They have shown the first sister that they care by responding quickly to her needs, and they expect that she will either use their ideas or come up with her own.  The first sister sees no offense in her siblings advice.  She asked for it, and they were quick to oblige.  She feels validated and relieved.

The difference between these two kinds of communication is obvious.  In indirect communication, you must always be careful to communicate status, and the potential for misunderstanding is greater.  It cannot be argued that indirectly communicating allows you to show greater respect for others than in directly communicating, since a direct communication allows greater honesty.   Instead of having to put yourself down to compliment someone else, which often involves blatant lies about not being good about something, you can simply say, “You are so good at that,” or “That was great!  I’m so impressed!”  There isn’t any jockeying for position and not as much room for misunderstanding.

For example.  The woman who is planning the party states that she is no good at kids’ parties.  If she is speaking indirectly, she is telling a lie.  She can plan parties and she does not honestly believe that she isn’t good at them.  She believes she can handle the situation and expects others to reinforce her belief.  If they accept her statement at face value, it is seen as a slap in the face, since offering opinions and advice would be agreeing with her that she’s not good at it.  Agreeing is also offensive because it may show that they think she is weak.  However, if she speaks to people who are used to direct communication, they understand her to be making a statement of fact that doesn’t diminish her standing or position at all.  They respect her statement and think she is smart for leveraging a support network to make a potential disaster a pleasurable event for her and the children.  They never say anything about whether they agree with her statement of being good at the party planning, so they may or may not agree.  Politely, they refrain from addressing the claim of weakness and quickly provide the service that was asked for.  If they wanted to make a statement of power, they would directly say, “Yeah, you are pretty awful at that.”  Offense would be given and probably taken. 

I know this is a can of worms, but after reading Deborah Tannen’s You Just Don’t Understand, a few years ago, I realized why my husband was so frustrated when I would come to him complaining about something I needed to do.  He would try to fix the problem, which I didn’t want fixed.  This is a common theme with women.  I just wanted him to tell me I could do it, to show me he believed in me.  Basically, I was fishing for a compliment, as bad as that sounds.  He would be confused when I took offense at his quick replies.  No offense was intended.  He was showing me respect by taking my comments at face value and offering help that I had requested.  Most guys respond to women’s frustration by saying, “But if you didn’t want help, why did you ask for it?”  This is not lip service – they’re really confused.  A man who understands indirectness can mitigate the damage by responding the way his wife wants him to respond, instead of responding to the words she is using.  And a woman who understands that most men are direct communicators can choose to see that her husband is not giving offense or taking control if he responds to her request for help with help, instead of with validation.  Or she can choose to use different language that reflects her agenda more openly.  Expecting the other party to understand and deal with your method, or expecting change from others without cooperatively changing as well, is both disingenuous and immature.

When I read this book, I realized just how dishonest I was being in my conversation and that it was the cause of most of my never-ending crises.  I made a conscious effort to change my dialogue to honest statements, making it easier to communicate my expectations and reducing opportunity for misunderstanding others.  I also made a conscious decision to stop reading between the lines and to give others the respect of taking their statements at face value.  A great quote is: The trouble with reading between the lines is there’s nothing there.  And even if there is, you can’t prove it, because it’s not in print. 

If I need help, I ask for it and am grateful for assistance.  Why shouldn’t I be happy?  I got what I wanted!  If I feel angry or put-down, however, I know I’ve been speaking indirectly and that I need to adjust my communication to get what I want.  If I don’t want help, I don’t ask for it.  Sometimes it takes some soul-searching.  I wrote a post recently that I wanted reassurance on.  But I also wanted to know whether it needed to be reworded.  I asked two trusted sources to review the post and make suggestions.  I was also careful to admit that I had some trepidation and said that I was looking for reassurance, but not at the expense of an honest opinion.  Both sources agreed on the changes I should make and offered honest reassurance that was unrelated to the post.  In that way, I got two things of value: a well-worded post that really said what I meant and also personal statements of affection and esteem that helped me feel encouraged and loved.  I felt relieved and the task was complete.

So let’s make a pact.  Let’s train our children to speak honestly and directly, and reword our own communications.  If you ask for help when you truly want it, you will feel happy when help is given.  Things will be simpler.  Economy of energy, in a way.  If you ask for help when you don’t want it, you will be offended when it is given.  Energy is wasted analyzing and worrying about status, control, and emotions that could have been spent enjoying life.

No matter what you do, there will be others who use a different method than you do.  That’s why it’s important to understand the difference between direct and indirect communication and to be aware of what you use.  When you get a response that emotionally disturbs you or isn’t what you expected, you can say, “I was being indirect.  What I want is reassurance, not advice,” and avoid taking or giving offense.  Or, “I’m being direct.  I really want your honest opinion and I’m not afraid to make changes if I think I should,” and also avoid giving or taking offense.

However, I believe that if we all adopted complete honesty and directness in our conversation, we would avoid a lot of nasty dramas and could focus our mental and emotional energy on dealing with life and it’s problems – we have plenty of things to worry about without having to worry about offending each other, don’t you think?

I’ve been knitting up cloths in my spare time – dishcloths and washcloths.  It’s so soothing to do something useful that happens to be relaxing.  When I’m watching a Jazz playoff game with my husband and the lead goes back and forth, you would not believe how many rows I can knit!  I look down, and I’m done.  It’s so fun!

(I never thought I’d say that knitting was fun, but I love it.) 

This waffleweave dishcloth pattern is the one I use:  it knits up so quickly and has just enough grab to clean plates and is airy enough to dry quickly, which is essential.  You use a thickly-knit rag and it takes forever to dry and smells bad. 

I also borrowed this book from the library two or three times until I got up the wit to look online and buy it (for $4).  It has the most scrumptious washcloth and I’ve knitted it in a warm, cheerful, butter yellow for my bathroom, as well as cream and spring green.  I love the feel of this cloth and how soft it is in bamboo blends.  I’ve ditched the poufs in favor of these cloths for my babies.  It lathers up well and is SO luxurious!

(dishcloth on left, washcloths on right)

Aren’t they beautiful?  What do you love to make?

Sometimes I just feel alone.

I mean, this job is great for Phil and we love our ward and children.

But we’re pretty alone out here.  My husband goes to work and spends a great portion of his day interacting with other people, whether he likes it or not.  Most of the time, he enjoys it.  Most people are friendly, his coworkers are fun, and it’s a great place to socialize and climb the career ladder.

I call my mother and talk every other day.  I call my mother-in-law at least once a week.  I call my best friend every few days and I try to interact with my children and just enjoy the time I have to focus on them. A  But as much as I love our children, I live a very solitary life.  Every few weeks, I feel a little crazy because of it.

For a woman, being alone is crushing.  I miss laughing.  You know, that thing where your eyes crinkle up and your mouth opens and you just feel so good?

I want to feel that way again, instead of feeling ambitious, tired, nurturing, and lonely.

I miss my family because we laughed together.  I miss my husband’s family because we laughed together.  I love my children and love watching them laugh together, but it feels like I laugh about 1% of my life.  It used to feel like I laughed all the time!  And I find that I associate the laughing, happy times with people that I no longer see.

Don’t get me wrong: I get a lot done.  I fulfill my church callings, I take care of my children, I am building a new business and I support my husband in his work, his calling, and everything else.  I try to take care of my extended family and be there for them when they need me.  I repair my home and clean and build and organize.

Things are good:  I’m at peace with myself, with my progress and my imperfections and the things I do well. 

And it would just be nice to be around people I love and laugh with.

Missing you.

Becca

Look what my best friend sent me!

And look what I made with it…

Peanut Butter Chocolate Cookies!  YUM!  Thank you, Christy!

(Recipe review:  I only cooked them at 325 for 10 minutes in my convection oven, but they seemed very dry and sandy.  I like my cookies chewy, so maybe I’d try cooking it not as long or using another PB cookie recipe I have.  The chocolate was fine, but somewhat bland.  I think I would mix it with Nutella next time, probably 2 parts Nutella to 1 part semisweet, before piping.)